The Single Mother

There have been studies, research, conservations, discussions, or whatever you want to call it. Single motherhood exists. It exists because two adult individuals got together but one of them is no longer there whatever the reason is, the father is gone creating the single motherhood dilemma.

We had another tragedy in Memphis where a brother shot up a news station, his mother responded by saying that if his father was in his life he probably would have had a different path.

I’m gonna start there. There are a lot of brothers who are placing the entire blame on women saying “you should have chosen better”, I’m confused. Why are women the only one shouldering the blame of choosing, isn’t this a two party act? Can we all agree that it takes both a man and a woman to make a child but the rearing and raising in many cases fall on the woman.

When I write I like to give examples. I too am a single mom. Yes, I made the choice to get with her Dad in fact we were supposed to be married however in my case single motherhood was not a choice. He made the decision to not be present. I learned early on that I was in this alone and I had to branch out to my village so my daughter had what she needed whether or not he was involved. I’d be remiss if I did not say that this is not just a decision women make, there is a man involved and one can see how women can be disgruntled based on the missing actions of our brothers however; we are suppose to be Nation Builders so no matter if she is with the man or not she should have a circle of brothers who are willing to step up and help her with her child/children. I am blessed to have this support system, not all of our women have this available to them thus, they go from man to man looking for a surrogate dad in every man they date.

He is not the replacement dad and it's your responsibility as a woman to nurture a relationship for the child’s sake. It is important that you are trying even when he chooses to not try. I can tell you that at a point my daughter was over it and didn’t try anymore. She had a solid system and went there when she needed something.

I am aware that not every woman’s case is the same nor is it similar. But to provide some insight, I want to provide you with a perspective from both lenses.

Brothers we have heard everything you say, women choose better, women raise the kids better, it's not our job to be in this alone nor is it a case where blame can be placed. We do way too much finger pointing in our community., He may not be interested in you and not your ready made family. But the characteristics that you want women to submit to is your ability to lead, provide and protect. What leader places blame on the woman, that same blame you say is on single mothers when their children are out of control. What provider can see children suffering and not at the very least ask the sister if she needs an assist. What protector has gotten so guarded and filled with past pain that they are no longer willing to provide protection to our women and children.

I get it brothers, yes, the sisters can be messy, petty, and expect you to provide, protect, and lead without ever submitting or even knowing what submission looks like however; are you not a leader in the community or are you just wanting to increase the community but leave the responsibility of guiding our children to the women. Both men and women are struggling with the meaning of submission. Submission is not slavery, submission is not do as I say, submission is not women do all the masculine traits and when you're done come cater to my needs and wants simply because my anatomy says I’m a man. Submission is a collective couple decision. This is where I feel my brothers and sisters are getting tripped up, there is no communication around roles and who has what role in the relationship.

It’s a partnership between two individuals who agree to come together to become a unit with the keyword being unit.

Brothers you have to provide and protect and not beg and collect. Sisters you have to be willing to submit to the man when he is trying to lead, and be willing to allow for his mistakes instead of knowing that you are in a better financial situation and using that as a control method. Part of our community's problem is men and women are both pushing back on each other. I have a great friend who upholds her man. When he is home her focus is on him, she is not on the phone with us girls, she dedicates her time to him. I love that concept because he knows that he is important in her life which will translate to him upholding her and her wishes.

You don’t have to agree with single motherhood; the reality is it exists. We are either going to help our sisters because some of them need the assistance or we will continue to place blame and finger point. Our children are living in this world misguided simply because they have not seen what a family unit looks like and our representation everywhere else is absent of the black man. If we are going to promote families in our community we need to look at what the family looks like and stop looking for alternatives after all if it works for you as a single mother help another sister out so she can also be a blessing to another sister, you know what I mean pay it forward.

Blame in our community is everywhere, we need to figure out how not to continue to look for excuses when it comes to this topic and figure out how we can assist our sisters with the love and devotion necessary so they can raise healthy children. The Honorable Frederick Douglass says it best “It’s better to raise strong children, than to repair broken men. We have enough broken pieces in our community. It is time we start to form a collage or healing. We are our own artists. Let's redo this canvas and be the support our mothers and children need.

I invite you step into your Essence and know your Excellent