Day 2

What men want, What Women desire

This question has been posed over the years, it has brought great debate in our black love communities. What men want, what women desire. Many answers are at the forefront but both side tend to agree that they all want a ride or die, you know that one who is there when no one else is present, she/he has your back no matter what, unconditional love and loyalty, great sex, intimacy, security, protection, financial security, and both sides will say love.

Black love is a revolutionary act. Are we willing to submit to each other and give each other the answer to the question of what men want, and what women desire. Historically as women we have come to a realization that in relationships it is the man's duty to keep the woman happy, because after all if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. But why does this stop with just the woman? Why are we not exploring relationships in a manner that will allow both parties to be happy?

There is research that will give women clues to what men want but the reality is he wants loyalty, he wants you to control your emotions, allow for his faults without judgment, give him the best of you and still remain someone he can protect (allowing him to have his manhood), but keeping it real all in the same breath.

This is quite a list of wants, and the average man who will say nah fam she got it wrong. But we can agree that most men are not communicators which leaves women to assume, most men struggle with commitment which leads to women being emotional and jealous, most men want a judgment free zone which leads women holding in her feelings when he does something she does not like, most men want to provide and protect which leads women feeling powerless because she has been groomed to be a strong black woman and not to need a man however; all of these wants are never communicated which leads to assumptions and miscommunication.

Men also want women to be like our pioneers of the past. They want you to be Queen Mother Betty Shabazz. The mirror of her Freedom Fighter, having to fight those within, the ones who claimed to support but presented an opportunist approach. Releasing strength to keep her composure even when the unthinkable was committed. Can you imagine what she had in her? I would like to think she was a fierce woman who was beside her King right up to the end. Her magical melanin supported her in such a way that she became a wonderful mystery to so many but her Freedom Fighter knew of her magical powers first hand, it was this power that sustained her heart which he carried with him always.

Or maybe it’s Queen Mother Corretta. Holding it down while her Freedom Fighter was all over the world, watching him run on empty but gracefully filling him up when he would return. Raising the children, taking care of the home, and operations at home, he knew she held the secrets close to her heart. He never once carried a thought that she would commit betrayal. She was beyond a supporter; she was a believer in his dreams. Mastering an image that suited unification between the two of them together. Going beyond the dream and creating her magical reality of solidarity to her Freedom Fighter.

Or maybe it’s Queen Mother Winnie walking with her King? Staying steadfast even when he was not physically with her, continuing his work in a manner that could very well lead her down the same path he walked. Walking the walk with such grace and elegance, designing and defining loyalty. Encompassing an understanding that the mission comes first but because the mission was part of her Freedom Fighter, it fueled her fire which was always on high. Or maybe it’s Harriett Tubman willing to sacrifice her life to give freedom to others.

Typically these traits are rolled up; into one woman but it’s never communicated and let’s be fair men, these pioneer giants were also women and because there is no dynamic of what went on in their households and because they chose to remain loyal to their men it does not mean in her alone time, that private time she was not full of emotions, full of doubt, full of insecurity, these sistas just had a way of showing it well. Although; these great women suffered a far worse fate. They were boxed in. This means she was with a brother that was successful or famous, who is she to get?? Will she forever be branded by her past relationship. In many cases this is the fate for many of our women leaving them not getting their desires met. Even our regular brothers leave our women boxed in because if she is a single mother, some men do not want to date her based on that status, if she has some hood spice (I will not call a sista ratchet), she is considered damage goods, and if she is a woman who is educated with a decent paying job she is considered a feminist who only want to control men. Whatever the label, our women are feeling the same pinch that our brothers are feeling. Her desire for a man to provide for her is not all about financial, it's the emotional accountability that helps to sustain her mental, her need for protection helps her to feel safe, her need for attention fills her need for security, and her need for communication fills her need for clarity.

Both black men and women have wants and desires but we are not willing to do the work before we become intimate, we want the lust but not the growth, we want the closeness but not the honesty. Why are we so willing to give into what society and tradition says is the design for relationships. Why are the terms King and Queen used so loosely in our community? Why have these terms been reduced down to a pick up line? We crave attention and our DNA screams out for each other. Black women possess a gene no other race of women have which is why the black man is so drawn to it, black men have a swag that no other race of men have which is why she is so drawn to it.

I'm sure there will be lots of disagreements with these words after all this is my assessment and you have the right to not agree but I urge you to look deeply into what you want and desire. One of the top goals for every relationship should be communication, start having these talks early before intimacy, before the bedroom it will change the trajectory of your view. It will allow you to make informed decisions and not go into a relationship with just emotion,

Black love should not be about what men want and what women desire; the recipe should include a commitment that is unmatched and surpasses love. Passion and courage that provides infinity spaces to be free with each other. Strength to hold each other up because in this world both backs are necessary and men and woman need to have each other's back but show mercy when one of you needs it the most. It should include discipline and having the ability to control our human emotions (or at least what we have been taught) to be willing to go further to repair, restore, and rebuild. It should include understanding that when the world attacks she and he are there to defend with honor and strength. Safety when he needs to turn off and not be what the world sees, security when she needs to feel vulnerable and without the label of emotional. Confidentiality that he and she share private moments that will not resurface when one gets angry at the other. Passion for each other's care, food for each other's mind, body and soul, and an individuality that there is no one else that can replicate what he or she brings into the relationship.

Beloved’s, know that you balance each other, he’s your rock, your his inspiration, he’s your balance, your his support, he’s your wild, your his calm, and he’s your anchor, and your his wings.

The great debate can be put to bed if we all find the common ground with our feelings first, this will allow us to open ourselves up for someone else. We can’t be a we if we are focused solely on me, Think outside the box we were given, in fact tear the box down, and rebuild with a mindset that transcends beyond the norm.

What men want includes what women desire. It's about balance and we need to take the weights off the scale and begin to balance each other as a team.

Be Blessed Beloved

Art By Jeshurun